1 00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:03,371 Earl, can i borrow your paper? 2 00:00:03,404 --> 00:00:04,772 I want to check my horoscope 3 00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:08,376 to see if I'll still be a whore in the future. 4 00:00:08,409 --> 00:00:10,311 All right, who wants to go first? 5 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:13,047 Ooh, do me. Do me. Do me. 6 00:00:13,081 --> 00:00:14,815 Can we have one night at the diner 7 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:18,252 that doesn't end with you yelling that at a woman? 8 00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:19,520 All right, I'll go. 9 00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:21,289 "Gemini, the twins," 10 00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:24,458 and they're both doing fine, so let's move on. 11 00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:26,194 Han, what sign are you? 12 00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:29,797 I'm guessing the 40-year-old Virgo. 13 00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:31,465 Max, you don't need that paper. 14 00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:33,267 I'll tell you what's in your future... 15 00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:36,304 Using my name as a reference at chipotle. 16 00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:41,142 You guys really believe in that crap? 17 00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:43,277 They just tell you what you want to hear. 18 00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:46,147 "You will be rich. You will be famous." 19 00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:48,282 You'd think I'd buy a newspaper if it said, 20 00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:51,452 "you will be a 75-year-old cashier"? 21 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:55,456 (peter bjorn and John) * ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 22 00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:57,191 [cash register bell dings] 23 00:00:57,225 --> 00:01:02,196 * ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh * 24 00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:06,734 okay, ready to open? 25 00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:08,236 Never have been, never will be. 26 00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:09,470 Let's do this. 27 00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:10,738 Wait. 28 00:01:10,771 --> 00:01:13,307 We have to do our business affirmation. 29 00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:17,578 Please, god, don't let us be murdered in here. 30 00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:19,347 All right, let's open 'em up. 31 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,716 Oh, hell no. Max. 32 00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:23,717 Hang on. I wasn't done. 33 00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:27,221 Oh, hell no! 34 00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:29,523 Oh, she's yarn-bombing that bike. 35 00:01:29,557 --> 00:01:30,791 It's whimsical. It's new. 36 00:01:30,824 --> 00:01:32,860 It's stupid. 37 00:01:32,893 --> 00:01:35,463 Graffiti, i get. 38 00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:37,498 I see, "die, bitch. Die," on a wall, 39 00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,600 i think, "okay, this gentleman 40 00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:41,669 wanted to get that off his chest." 41 00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:45,339 But this yarn-ival is pathetic. 42 00:01:45,373 --> 00:01:47,675 Yo, yarnie. 43 00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,510 I have a name. 44 00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:51,512 It's Guinevere. 45 00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:53,814 Yep, that checks out. 46 00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:55,283 What's happening over here? 47 00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:56,884 Why are you molesting that poor bike? 48 00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:59,253 Well... 49 00:01:59,287 --> 00:02:00,754 I am beautifying the city 50 00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:03,857 one living, glorious work of art at a time. 51 00:02:03,891 --> 00:02:06,194 And tips are always appreciated. 52 00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:07,728 [Scoffs] 53 00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,663 Here's a tip: 54 00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:11,665 Go back to school and learn a trade 55 00:02:11,699 --> 00:02:14,602 before daddy's money runs out. 56 00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:15,769 Well, i never... 57 00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:18,272 Worked a day in your life, we know. 58 00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:20,208 You think this is artwork? 59 00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:23,911 Artwork is a Garfield mug, sweetheart. 60 00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:25,779 You got Garfield in a hammock, saying, 61 00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,548 "I'm not overweight. I'm under-tall," 62 00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:30,451 I'll build you a gallery right here. 63 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:33,721 Look, you should move on. 64 00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,289 My friend doesn't want you... 65 00:02:35,323 --> 00:02:36,657 How shall i put this? 66 00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:40,394 Taking a giant knit in front of our shop. 67 00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:42,830 What is the problem? It is not even your bike. 68 00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:44,898 It's been chained here for, like, four months. 69 00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:46,667 Oh, yeah? 70 00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:48,669 Maybe it is our bike, 71 00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:51,672 and we use it for deliveries 72 00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,208 and to trap nerds. 73 00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:56,810 Peace out, ganja beer, 74 00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,412 before i knit you a noose. 75 00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:03,984 Max, that was a great idea. 76 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,319 What, that she go back to school? 77 00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:06,687 I know. 78 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:07,864 At least a couple night classes, right? 79 00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:10,258 Get around some people. 80 00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:12,993 She's a lost cause. Let's move on. 81 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:15,396 I'm talking about us doing deliveries. 82 00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:16,930 Why do we never deliver? 83 00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:19,667 Speak for yourself. I've delivered. 84 00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:25,406 Seriously, Max, those delivery services... 85 00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:27,741 Eat24, grubhub... Do big business. 86 00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:29,477 No one wants to go out now. 87 00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:30,744 People are so lazy. 88 00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:33,614 I don't really feel like it. 89 00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,583 Seriously, Max, all we have to do 90 00:03:35,616 --> 00:03:37,351 is slap a delivery charge on that product, 91 00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:40,588 and suddenly, a $5 cupcake is bringing in more money. 92 00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:42,556 And do you know what more money means? 93 00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:45,426 No. How would i know that? 94 00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:49,863 Okay, question: 95 00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:53,834 Which of these goes better with no pants? 96 00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:56,870 I don't know. They're both timeless... 97 00:03:56,904 --> 00:04:00,574 As in, there's no time you should wear those. 98 00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:02,276 You can't be objective. 99 00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:03,553 You're like a kid in a candy store. 100 00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,379 I'll ask Max. 101 00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:10,451 Uh, well, the red one kind of matches your rash. 102 00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:13,287 I think we have a winner. 103 00:04:13,321 --> 00:04:16,290 So why are you trying out the fancy mesh tonight? 104 00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:18,692 Well, even though Sophie and i are getting back together, 105 00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:21,595 we wanted to make it special and hold off on the sexual part 106 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:23,364 of the relationship until tonight. 107 00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:25,299 That is so sweet. I know. 108 00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:28,436 I haven't even masturbated since right before i came in here. 109 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,875 So, Chestnut, i was buying some rolling papers 110 00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:36,577 at the bodega, 111 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:40,448 and i hope this is cool, but i said they were for you. 112 00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:43,817 Max, i have good news and bad news. 113 00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:45,519 The bad news is, 114 00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:47,921 this is the only good news I've had in three years. 115 00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:50,358 And the good news is... 116 00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:52,292 You found yourself a new apartment? 117 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:54,828 Don't toy with me, woman. 118 00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,029 Speak plainly and clearly. 119 00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:58,932 Did you find a new apartment? 120 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:01,502 Close your eyes. I'll give you a hint. 121 00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:03,404 Last time i was told to close my eyes, 122 00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:06,907 i woke up in a bikini on a garbage barge. 123 00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:10,310 P.S., closest i ever got to a vacation. 124 00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:13,914 [Horn honking] 125 00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:17,785 Oh, you're dating a clown? 126 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,354 Please, you know i would have told you 127 00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:22,556 if i was dating someone who had a car. 128 00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:26,694 Look, it's the abandoned bike from in front of the shop. 129 00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:28,929 It was the bike from the front of the shop. 130 00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:33,367 Now it looks like a contestant on rupaul's bike race. 131 00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:34,902 We're gonna use it to make deliveries. 132 00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:37,438 I already signed us up for three delivery services. 133 00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:38,806 Still crazy smart. 134 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:39,907 Waste of time. 135 00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:41,509 Amazon's got drones, 136 00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:44,645 and we've got one gay bike. 137 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,046 I don't want to do deliveries. 138 00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:48,516 I got this. You bake, I'll bike. 139 00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:51,919 And while you bike, I'll get baked. 140 00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,663 I'm just gonna knock out these three "delivs," 141 00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,127 and I'll met you at the cupcake shop. 142 00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:56,990 "Delivs"? You like "delivs"? 143 00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,735 It's an "abbreve" i made up for "deliveries." 144 00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:00,394 You like "abbreve"? 145 00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:02,596 It's an "ab" i made up for "abbreviation." 146 00:06:02,630 --> 00:06:06,500 I'm gonna make this short. Get out. 147 00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:08,035 Hey, everybody. 148 00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,071 Sophie, what do you think? 149 00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:13,173 Aw, good for you, Caroline. 150 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:15,476 I've been saying that you should hop on something 151 00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:19,146 pink and ride it since i met you. 152 00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:23,551 [Horn honking] 153 00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:26,554 Ah, Max, I'm so glad you're alone, 154 00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:29,423 'cause i need some girl talk. 155 00:06:29,457 --> 00:06:31,091 Okay, but the last time i did girl talk, 156 00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:32,826 i got $3 for the first minute 157 00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:35,796 and $1 for each additional minute. 158 00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:37,931 No, it's about Oleg. 159 00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:40,968 Last night, he was unable to... 160 00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:43,837 Oh, what's a nice way to say this? 161 00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:47,975 He couldn't get his soldier to stand at attention, 162 00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:51,779 and his penis wouldn't work either. 163 00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:53,914 Well, uh, have you tried buying 164 00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:56,584 a Cosmopolitan magazine or something? 165 00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,586 They usually have advice on sex stuff 166 00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:00,588 and how to hate your body. 167 00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:02,923 Max... 168 00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:06,627 You don't think it could be me, do you? 169 00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:09,029 No way, Sophie. You are hot. 170 00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:10,097 Ah. 171 00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:11,465 The first time Oleg saw you, 172 00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:13,100 his soldier not only saluted. 173 00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:15,969 It exploded. 174 00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:17,571 You're right. I am hot. 175 00:07:17,605 --> 00:07:20,173 It's all him. 176 00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:22,710 Remember when i said you didn't have to do deliveries? 177 00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:23,853 You're gonna have to do deliveries, 178 00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:25,078 'cause i only went two blocks, 179 00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,514 and I'm sweating like shia lebeouf 180 00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:29,583 at a dui checkpoint. 181 00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:35,164 Okay, you deliver. I'll open the window. 182 00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:37,691 But first, business affirmation. 183 00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:41,795 Please, god, don't let us get pistol-whipped in here. 184 00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:50,938 It's either that Guinevere or spider-man came out. 185 00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:56,209 Caroline, can i talk to you about a private matter, 186 00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:58,979 by which i mean the matter is my privates. 187 00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:00,981 Okay, but hurry, Oleg. 188 00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,854 I'm in the middle of a dream catcher situation, 189 00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:05,085 and it's a nightmare. 190 00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:06,554 And why me? 191 00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,589 'Cause i trust and respect you 192 00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:11,925 and i feel like you know your way around a limp penis. 193 00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:16,229 Maybe. 194 00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:18,999 I talked to my therapist... 195 00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:22,603 Roy, you know, down at the Starbucks. 196 00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:24,171 He told me it's all mental. 197 00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:25,873 We didn't get much further than that. 198 00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:29,309 He spilled a grande mochaccino on his sandals. 199 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,612 You're probably just scared. 200 00:08:31,645 --> 00:08:33,313 Intimacy is so hard for some guys, 201 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:36,884 it's not hard for some guys. 202 00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:39,887 Yeah, that's all over my head. 203 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,255 Oh, no, Max forgot the order slips. 204 00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:45,025 Oleg, I'm sure it'll all work out. 205 00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:48,629 Good luck getting your penne al dente. 206 00:08:48,662 --> 00:08:51,599 Again, over my head. 207 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:57,938 Max, what are you doing? 208 00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:00,040 What are you doing? 209 00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:01,742 What am i doing? 210 00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:03,119 Well, i think I'm watching you shove 211 00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,345 our delivery bike into the back of an uber car. 212 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:08,215 Well, this is uber-awkward. 213 00:09:08,248 --> 00:09:10,751 Come on, come on. In or out. 214 00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:13,754 All right, Caroline, this is milesh, with a "k." 215 00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:15,589 He doesn't go to the airport, 216 00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:18,125 and he once drove some of maroon 5... 217 00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:21,128 So maroon 3. 218 00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:22,663 No, stop. Caroline. 219 00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:24,832 If you want me to deliver the cupcakes, 220 00:09:24,865 --> 00:09:27,034 i can't use the bike, i have to use the car. 221 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,235 Why? 222 00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:31,004 Oh, my god, are you pregnant? 223 00:09:31,038 --> 00:09:36,243 You ask me that every day, and almost every day i say no. 224 00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:39,212 Look, i want to tell you, but it's a secret. 225 00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:40,881 And you can't tell anybody. 226 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,950 Do you seriously think i would ever tell anyone 227 00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:45,218 anything about this life? 228 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,020 Right. 229 00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:49,256 I don't know how to ride a bike, okay? 230 00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:51,224 You don't know how to ride a bike? 231 00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:54,127 Max doesn't know how to ride a bike? 232 00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:56,229 Damn it, Caroline! 233 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,698 [Laughing] 234 00:09:57,731 --> 00:09:59,299 Max doesn't know how to ride a bike. 235 00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:00,801 Oh, happy day. 236 00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:02,636 I finally have something over her. 237 00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:03,871 There is a god, 238 00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:05,739 and he's laughing at her too. 239 00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:09,109 Lordy, this is harder to watch 240 00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:12,780 than Jim carrey in a drama. 241 00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:14,715 [Laughing] 242 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,121 [Knock at door] 243 00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:24,391 Max, are you up? 244 00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:27,160 What's that smell? Did you bring home Greek food? 245 00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:29,062 No, that's me. 246 00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:32,032 That's how you smell after you ride a bike 247 00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:35,703 all over williamsburg delivering 14 orders of cupcakes, 248 00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:37,871 and i do not wish to smell like this again, 249 00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:40,741 so you have to learn how to ride that bike, all right? 250 00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:43,310 Who do you think you are busting in here 251 00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:46,680 smelling like hummus but having no hummus? 252 00:10:46,714 --> 00:10:48,248 What is the problem? 253 00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:50,059 Didn't your mother ever teach you how to ride a bike? 254 00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:53,086 No, my mother was too busy being the town bike. 255 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:54,855 Well, then I'll teach you. 256 00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,289 Nope. Never getting on a bike. 257 00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:57,858 It's one of my three "nevers." 258 00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,292 Yes, well, your first "never" was, 259 00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:01,729 "never having a blonde roommate." 260 00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:05,098 You are chipping away at me piece by piece, lady. 261 00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:09,402 I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on. 262 00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:12,405 I'd sit on your bed, but that's your third "never." 263 00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:14,041 [Sighs] 264 00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:16,443 When i was little, there was this kid, Tommy doonan. 265 00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:19,780 Nice kid, solid hopscotcher. 266 00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:22,049 Used to give me his fruit roll-up at lunch every day. 267 00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:24,017 Max, did he give you these fruit roll-ups, 268 00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:25,052 or did you take them? 269 00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:26,920 Don't interrupt. 270 00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:29,723 One day, Tommy doonan got a new bike. 271 00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:32,459 He was out front with this nice, older man 272 00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:34,061 who looked just like him. 273 00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:36,997 You mean his dad? 274 00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,932 Mm, is that what they call them? 275 00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:41,769 I assumed it was a predator. 276 00:11:41,802 --> 00:11:44,471 So anyway, i was making fun of him 277 00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,807 'cause he seemed happy. 278 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,476 I thought that was our thing. 279 00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:52,079 And he started showing off, doing wheelies and stuff, 280 00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:53,480 to put me in my place, 281 00:11:53,513 --> 00:11:56,516 but then he flipped up over the handlebars 282 00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,519 and came down hard on his face. 283 00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:00,988 Sad, 284 00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:04,491 but not worth me having baklava pits. 285 00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:06,159 Well, wait. 286 00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:08,128 After i stopped laughing 287 00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:11,865 and the man picked him up and hugged him predator-style, 288 00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:16,103 i saw Tommy's teeth had busted through his cheek. 289 00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:17,504 To put it plainly, 290 00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:21,541 his mouth was on the outside of his face. 291 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:25,012 Ew, that's like something out of a horror movie, 292 00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:28,515 like bike of the living dead or Texas bike chain massacre 293 00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:31,518 or... well, that's probably enough. 294 00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:34,855 Every time i see a bike, i think of his little face 295 00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:38,258 and his little teeth chomping out the side of it. 296 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:40,193 He had to eat apples like this... 297 00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:42,863 [Babbling] 298 00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:45,866 Max, you are not responsible for that. 299 00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:47,400 Yeah, i know, 300 00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:51,038 and 1 out of the 12 jurors agreed. 301 00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:54,141 Thank you, number six. 302 00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:57,510 Anyway, it freaked me out, so good night. 303 00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:59,046 No, Max. 304 00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:00,580 It is not going to work that way. 305 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,115 You're learning how to ride a bike. 306 00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:04,217 I'm already on one painful cycle. 307 00:13:04,251 --> 00:13:06,086 I don't want to get on another one. 308 00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,288 Max, i have access to tootsie rolls, 309 00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:11,158 and if you get on a bike, i will give you four. 310 00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:12,392 What am i, a chimp? 311 00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:14,828 Five. Let's go. 312 00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:22,569 Don't look so smug, Chestnut. 313 00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:25,138 You don't know how to ride a bike either. 314 00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:27,240 Come on, Max, just out here in the alley. 315 00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:30,343 Oh, hell no! 316 00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:32,612 What? She's been back here too. 317 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,048 Who? Guine-queer. 318 00:13:35,082 --> 00:13:39,252 There's so much yarn-bombing, it's like craft-ganistan. 319 00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:40,287 Max, let it go. 320 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,122 Stay focused. 321 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,156 Get on the bike. 322 00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:44,324 No. 323 00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:45,425 I don't want to eat apples 324 00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,928 out of the side of my face. 325 00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:50,363 Come on. Let me teach you. 326 00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:51,564 Nope. Want a tootsie? 327 00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:53,466 You know i do. 328 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,936 I mean, you taught me how to be poor. 329 00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:58,305 Eh, you're getting really good at it. 330 00:13:58,338 --> 00:13:59,639 Come on. 331 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,217 You know what they say about riding a bike. 332 00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:03,343 It's like riding a bike. See? 333 00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:05,478 It's fun, see? Whee! 334 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:08,348 Whee, whee, whee, whee, whee! Whee! 335 00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:10,083 You got a real pretty mouth, Caroline. 336 00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:12,585 Can't wait to see it on the side of your face. 337 00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,922 At least just get on the bike. 338 00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:16,465 You don't even have to go anywhere yet. 339 00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:17,490 Nope. Want a tootsie? 340 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,059 You know i do. 341 00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:20,460 Go. 342 00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:21,929 [Groans and scoffs] 343 00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:23,363 What is this bar doing here? 344 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:26,499 I have no use for a bar that can't get me drunk. 345 00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,135 Okay, walk the bike over there 346 00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:30,370 and lean against the car to get your balance. 347 00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,539 Just check and make sure there's no one around. 348 00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:33,974 Why do you care? 349 00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,284 The only people out here this late 350 00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,110 would be rapists, murderers, and freaks... 351 00:14:37,144 --> 00:14:39,179 [Chuckles] You know, your peeps. 352 00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:42,115 (Max) What the... 353 00:14:42,149 --> 00:14:44,384 Hey, girls. 354 00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:45,652 Sophie? 355 00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:48,021 What are you doing in that car alone? 356 00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:53,961 Oh, a dark alley at 3:00 A.M.? 357 00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:56,563 Has money gotten that tight? 358 00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:59,032 Yes, but that's not why we're out here. 359 00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:00,443 I'm teaching Max how to ride a bike, 360 00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:02,035 and it's pretty hard. 361 00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:04,237 Oh, yeah, i wish i had that problem. 362 00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:07,240 I'm dancing with a rope in here. 363 00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,209 We're trying some exotic, new locales 364 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:10,710 for our lovemaking. 365 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:14,147 It's exotic because this isn't even our car. 366 00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:15,548 (Sophie) Oh, uh... 367 00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:19,052 We better hurry before that rabbi comes back. 368 00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,720 Maybe try barking at it again. 369 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:23,156 There was some movement earlier. 370 00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:24,624 [Sophie barking] 371 00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:27,260 Come on, Caroline, teach me how to ride this thing. 372 00:15:27,294 --> 00:15:29,696 I got to get away from temple gross shalom 373 00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:31,498 as fast as possible. 374 00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:33,066 Okay, I'm gonna get behind you 375 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,434 and hold on to your seat. 376 00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:36,303 Not without three long island iced teas 377 00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:38,605 and one, "your butt looks good in those jeans." 378 00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:42,175 Tootsie? Yeah. 379 00:15:42,209 --> 00:15:43,310 Max, don't look. 380 00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:44,577 Yarn-bombing? 381 00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:45,712 (Han) Hey, Max. 382 00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:47,280 (Max) Han? 383 00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:49,016 I'm just riding my bike to the bike store 384 00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:51,118 to buy more bikes. 385 00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:52,485 Is that han or 386 00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:54,554 Lance Armstrong's runaway testicle? 387 00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,289 Sorry, couldn't hear you. 388 00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:59,326 I was too busy knowing how to ride a bike. 389 00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:02,262 Damn it! Now i got to do this. 390 00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:05,032 You know how quickly society will crumble around us 391 00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:08,668 if han starts feeling like he can freely tease me? 392 00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,203 You sure? Yep. 393 00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:11,671 Making fun of han 394 00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:13,740 is one of my two free sources of entertainment. 395 00:16:13,773 --> 00:16:16,343 The other one is located right above this bar. 396 00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:18,311 Okay, I'll keep my hand on the seat, 397 00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:20,556 and then when you're ready, tell me, and I'll let you go. 398 00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:22,549 Okay, but don't let go until i say so. 399 00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:25,185 Okay, let go. 400 00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:26,353 Already did. 401 00:16:26,386 --> 00:16:28,021 I'm riding a bike? 402 00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:29,189 Max, look out! Pothole! 403 00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:35,162 [Groaning] 404 00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:37,497 There goes my other free source of entertainment. 405 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,232 Tootsie? 406 00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:41,768 Yes, obviously! 407 00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:48,575 [Bell rings] Table ten. Pick up, Max. 408 00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:53,246 Yeah, be right there. 409 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,283 Like, you know, in a month. 410 00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:58,418 Uh, Max, how you doing? 411 00:16:58,451 --> 00:17:02,255 I heard about your vag-accident. 412 00:17:02,289 --> 00:17:04,157 Look, if you need to see a doctor, 413 00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:06,659 my cousin in Florida is a good one, 414 00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:10,530 but then again, the bumpy bus ride might kill you. 415 00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:12,799 No, no, it'll be fine, Earl. 416 00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:15,034 I'm icing it. I just have to keep it cold. 417 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:25,145 We're out of ginger ale. 418 00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:28,715 I think you mean the ginger ale is out of you. 419 00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:31,551 Max, let me get that for you. 420 00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:33,586 I feel like it was kind of my fault. 421 00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:34,587 Kind of? 422 00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:36,089 Was Lincoln's death 423 00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:37,166 kind of John wilkes booth's fault? 424 00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:38,158 [Bell rings] 425 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:39,859 Pick up, Caroline. 426 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,628 How'd it go with Sophie? 427 00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:43,830 Were you able to do the thing, you know, the man does 428 00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:47,200 while the woman makes shopping lists in her head? 429 00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:48,768 Shh. Come on. 430 00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:51,238 I don't want anyone to know i can't get it up. 431 00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:53,540 Oleg can't get it up? 432 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:55,708 [Laughing] 433 00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:58,245 OMG. Oleg can't get it up. 434 00:17:58,278 --> 00:17:59,712 [Laughing] 435 00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,248 Best week ever. 436 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:03,082 Hey, everybody! 437 00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:06,653 What's up? 438 00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:08,121 Not your boyfriend. 439 00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:11,358 [Laughing] 440 00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:12,559 If anyone needs me, 441 00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,327 I'll be outside riding my bike 442 00:18:14,361 --> 00:18:16,163 with an erection. 443 00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:20,433 Oh, no, no, no, no. He didn't hear it from me. 444 00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,235 I only told two people... 445 00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:24,704 Max and my manicurist, ming wa. 446 00:18:24,737 --> 00:18:26,806 And you don't have to worry about her 447 00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:28,808 because she doesn't care about anything 448 00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:32,679 except loving some guy named long time. 449 00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:37,450 Sophie, baby, 450 00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:39,219 this is hard. 451 00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:41,788 Yeah, maybe we better not try to be serious. 452 00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:44,391 I mean, the real truth is, 453 00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:47,360 i only like you for your penis anyway. 454 00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:50,397 Say that again. 455 00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:52,865 What, that i only like you for your penis? 456 00:18:52,899 --> 00:18:55,402 One more time. 457 00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:58,238 Well, what, that i don't have any real feelings for you? 458 00:18:58,271 --> 00:18:59,906 That it's completely sexual 459 00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:03,910 and i only like you for your big, stupid penis? 460 00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:05,612 I'm back, baby. 461 00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:08,481 Sophie, can i see you in the kitchen? 462 00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:10,483 And we better hurry. I'm making three-minute eggs. 463 00:19:12,319 --> 00:19:14,153 Cancel my eggs. 464 00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:19,792 I would've so left during that whole conversation, 465 00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:23,663 but I'm holding a can of Dr. pepper between my legs. 466 00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:25,732 What? He's a doctor. He's seen it. 467 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,236 Well, i think we're pretty much even. 468 00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:31,938 Your legs are a little sore, and I'll never have children. 469 00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:36,276 So i guess what I'm saying is thanks. 470 00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:39,512 So you really don't want to get back on the bike? 471 00:19:39,546 --> 00:19:40,947 You're just gonna give up? 472 00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:43,783 I bet even Tommy doonan got back on the bike. 473 00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:44,951 Whatever happened to him? 474 00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:46,953 I caught up with him on Facebook. 475 00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:50,257 Well, more like really-messed-up-face-book. 476 00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:51,558 He's happily married. 477 00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:53,693 I bet right now he's driving his car, 478 00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:55,995 looking straight ahead, and smiling at his wife 479 00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:59,966 in the seat next to him. 480 00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:01,834 So that's it for deliveries? 481 00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:04,704 Oh, you can deliver wherever and whenever you want, 482 00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:07,874 but there is no way i am ever getting on that bike again. 483 00:20:09,509 --> 00:20:13,313 Max, look. Guinevere. 484 00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:14,714 Oh, hell no! 485 00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:17,550 She yarn-bombed our darn barn! 486 00:20:17,584 --> 00:20:19,752 You two should've tipped. 487 00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:22,489 I'm an artist. 488 00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:25,558 Eat my stitches, bitches. 489 00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:26,593 [Gasps] 490 00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:28,961 That was not whimsical at all. 491 00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:30,463 Give me the damn bike. 492 00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:32,465 Knit's about to hit the fan. 493 00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:33,933 [Can thuds] 494 00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:38,471 Max, you're doing it. 495 00:20:38,505 --> 00:20:40,573 What happened to your fear of bikes? 496 00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:43,576 I guess the only thing stronger is my hatred of that nerd!